What Hurts the Most
by Arlewena
Summary: You had one chance, and you watched it pass you by. And that's what hurts the most isn't it?


**Really sad one-shot I just had to write.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything, the song is What Hurts the Most and belongs to Rascal Flatts**

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**What Hurts the Most-**

_I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house  
That don't bother me_

I like the rain. It is comforting. It matches my mood most days now. Just sitting alone in the empty, lonely house watching the rain fall.

_I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out  
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while  
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me_

It's on days like this one that I allow myself the privilege of tears. They are healing things tears, they seem to dull the pain, giving me strength to keep going. It still hurts though, with you gone, Kreacher my only company in this house where so much has happened. I'm just going through the motions, without you by my side it all seems so pointless.

_There are days every now and again I pretend I'm ok  
But that's not what gets me_

Sometimes, when it is getting to be too much, I like to pretend that I'm okay, that I'm not falling apart at the seams, that things are like they were when you were still here. All of these things hurt, it hurts to know you're not here, that I am reduced to staring out the window crying to get some relief, that I have to pretend that I am okay; but none of these things is what really hurts, what feels like the cruel twist to the knife already embedded in my heart, the thing that is keeping me from getting over all the rest._  
_

_What hurts the most  
Was being so close  
And having so much to say  
And watching you walk away_

No, what hurts the most was that I was so close, so close to getting everything I ever dreamed or wanted. That if I had said the words pounding into my head, instead of just letting you go… I just watched as you walked away, the words screaming in my head, my heart, yet stuck in my throat.

_And never knowing  
What could have been  
And not seeing that loving you  
Is what I was tryin' to do_

It's killing me, never knowing how things could have been if I found my voice, if I hadn't been a fool. I don't know why it took me so long to figure it out, but I know that I love you Hermione Granger. There might have been a chance for us once: if I hadn't frozen, if I had fought for you. But it is too late now, you can never love me back the way I love you._  
_

_It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go  
But I'm doin' It_

Everywhere I go there is something to remind me of you, I see something and remember one of our adventures, or conversations, or rare arguments. I can't escape it. It is impossible to forget, so hard to remember, yet somehow I am still hanging on.

_It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone  
Still Harder  
Getting up, getting dressed, livin' with this regret_

You know I truly thought that with Voldemort gone, somehow everything would be alright. Maybe that is part of the problem; I never expected to survive, so I never really bothered to examine my true feelings closer. They were unimportant and it was safer that they remained buried. I buried them so deeply that I didn't recognize them until it was too late, and now… I'm not sure… What am I thinking? Of course, it was worth it. My happiness is inconsequential compared to the big picture, always has been. But it is still hard. Watching our friends, Neville and Luna who always knew more than they should; Ginny, who reminds me of what I could have had; then of course there is you… and Him. But I can't hate Ron; after all it's not his fault. Yet I still can barely stand the sight of him, knowing that he figured out his heart before me. Standing here surrounded by all of you; it is so hard to force a smile and pretend to be happy, when all you do is emphasize how alone I am. You and Ron, Neville and Luna, and Ginny with her boy of the month. But as hard as that is, it is the simple things that are the hardest. It's a struggle just to get up, get dressed. Every day is a battle as I try not to drown in all of this regret, try to live with it, even if it seems impossible.

_But I know if I could do it over  
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart  
That I left unspoken_

If I were to get another chance at that moment, the one moment that I was so close… I had just broken up with Ginny again- it just wasn't working. You had come over for the day, and we had apparated to a forest so we could just walk and enjoy each other's company. It brought back memories of camping in the woods, and as I thought, I slowly came to realize that I had fallen in love with you without even knowing. Everything was so easy between us. If I could change what had happened next I would. I would have given you the response I think you had been looking for. You made the first move, while I was still coming to terms with my recent revelation. You turned to me and started trying to tell me something before you gave up and just kissed me. It was the best kiss of my life. But to my eternal regret I didn't respond. I just stood there shocked, my just realized dreams within my grasp, and I did nothing. I just watched as you stared at me hopefully for a few seconds before you seemed to break. You turned and left, and I let you. I didn't say anything that was running through my mind. Three little words. If I could go back and do it over, I would tell you that I love you.

_What hurts the most  
Is being so close  
And having so much to say  
And watching you walk away_

It is too late now. That night you announced your engagement to Ron. I was so close to having everything. There was so much I wanted to say. I replay you walking away from me in my mind every day. You're haunting me.

_And never knowing  
What could have been  
And not seeing that loving you  
Is what I was trying to do_

Now we will never know. What our life could have been like together, what our children would have looked like, all that could have been. All because I didn't see earlier what a miracle you are._  
_

_What hurts the most  
Is being so close  
And having so much to say  
And watching you walk away_

Everytime I see you my heart starts bleeding again. I have to choke down the words that are fighting to escape. The words I have no right to say anymore. I have to let you go, but it is killing me.

_And never knowing  
What could have been  
And not seeing that loving you  
Is what I was trying to do_

I will never know what could have been now. I have to let go of the future that can never be mine. I will probably give in to Ginny eventually, take a chance to regain some happiness; and if not, at least make her happy. I'm so sorry.

_Not seeing that loving you  
That's what I was trying to do_

You were my light in the dark. You brought me through the war. I may have realized it too late, but I will always love you Hermione Jean Granger.

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**Thank-you for reading!**


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